A brief meeting

I hadn't seen Nicky for just over a month now, she tried to call a few times but I ignored them. She hadn't called for two weeks or so, then phoned again on Sunday. I didn't realise it was her and answered.

She told me she missed me a lot more than she thought she would, which made me pleased that she didn't hate me. It was nice to be missed by her. We chatted for a little time, I told her about a few girls I had met in the past few weeks.

She then told me she wanted us to get back together and if I could meet her at a pub. I didn't entirely believe her, though I was kind of hopeful. So I met her and she kissed me and held my hand. But I think I could tell straight away she didn't really love me the way she was saying. So I told her not to phone her boyfriend up yet (she wanted to when I met her). We went back to mine and she phoned up her boyfriend. I told her not to, because I knew she didn't mean it really. She then wanted to go to sleep, so I lay next to her and as she turned over I smiled and watched her for a time. But my smile was slightly bitter, I already knew she didn't want to come back to me really.

Then I kissed her back, and got out of bed. We talked for a time and I told her she didn't really love me in this way. And she said she knew, she just missed me so much and was confused. She also said she didn't like the idea of other girls liking me. She said she never means to hurt me, and I told her I knew that. I would hate her for the things she has done if I thought she meant to hurt me. But I know her so well. So we said goodbye again and she phoned up her boyfriend and told him she was lying before (you have to know her to understand this is quite a plausible lie).

The thing is, I know she never really means to hurt me. And that is why she hurts me so much. because I know she didn't mean to. And it is why I cannot be friends with her, because she will always hurt me though she didn't mean to.

It is a month away from my birthday now, we agreed to meet then though not talk to each other before. Just to catch up, we both love each other very much I think. Just not in a particular way anymore, though the love is more than just friendship I think. I will look forward to my birthday now, though also wont want it to come. But if I she is there to wish me a happy birthday, my day will be so special.

I was doing ok, until she phoned then I kinda broke down again. Hopefully I wont get so messed up on my birthday. I don't know. But I will look forward to seeing her one more time. I only ever feel right when I am with her, whether we are together or not. I feel wrong every day I do not see her, I hope there is someone else who can fix me. Because I know she is no longer for me.

Saying Goodbye

Her boyfriend cheated on her a few weeks ago, I expected them to be over because he was violent to her not this way. She stayed with me the few weeks after and then got nasty with me once her friends had some money.

I asked for a single evening with her, just one evening and the next morning to say goodbye. And last friday she came to stay. When she left me originally she just disappeared, no explanation, no goodbye. Literally disappeared, I came home one evening and she wasn't there. She came to me a few weeks later but has treated me badly ever since. I just wanted my goodbye. And saturday, once she had woken up I finally had it.

I sat next to her for a little while, then cried on her shoulder and told her she was not to phone me again. Not because I didn't want to see her or talk to her, but because I wanted to so much. I feel I belong to her although I know shouldn't. Every time I see her or talk to her I become hers once again in my heart. And so I have to stop seeing or talking to her, otherwise I will never find someone else to love.

I cried a lot with her on Saturday (she didn't cry at all, of course, but that wasn't what I was expecting). I was not crying to try and win her back with tears, I was crying because I was saying goodbye to someone I loved so much. I have always cried alone for so many months and I finally got to cry with someone I loved nearby to hold. I really needed that, and now I can try to let go.

She said I could phone her now and then to see how she is and I had to tell her I couldn't. If I waited months and then phoned her I would just be hers once again. And we talked and I explained and we talked a bit more and I am hope she understood why. I needed that so much I will look at it as the last gift she gave me.

I will cry for a long time now, I think. But it feels like the tears are now a healing process from losing her. I think this is the right kind of tears for a break-up, the kind I should've had so long ago. And now I think I can get better, though I will miss her so much I will get better now I've had my goodbye.

At this time I think when I die I will hold her once again in my mind and I will not be afraid. Because no matter how scared or sad I have been, holding her made me feel better. It is a bit morbid maybe, but I mean it in a nice way (no I'm not suicidal, I was earlier in the year when she was so cruel to me, but not now). I will always remember her, my Nicky, I wish her so much happiness and I pray we do both find someone who loves us as much as I love her now.

Goodbye my love, take care. I will miss you, always.

Gone

Mmmm, I dont think the Nicky I was in love with exists anymore. The girl I see these days is actually cruel, unkind and uncaring to a lot of people that have treated her well (not just me, I feel I must add). And I'm pretty close to just asking her to not see me anymore I think. I dont understand how she can be so different, and it's tearing me up to think she is so bad I might not even be able to see her anymore. But I'm begining to see this will probably be the best thing for both of us. But I can't do it yet, even though I know it will come pretty soon (sooner than I wish too I think). But she is not the Nicky I fell in love with anymore, I think she is still in there somewhere but she been buried by this new Nicky who is not so nice. I miss my Nicky but I think she is gone... :(

Defining Love

I've asked myself a lot recently, did I really love Nicky? Am I just posessive or just clingy? Did I really love her? Did she really love me?

I always remember, there was one time a few years ago. She had borrowed my credit card and spent a lot more money then she said she would (like, 5 times more, around £300) and we had an argument and she started to smash the flat up (as usual). And i held her shoulders and asked her "Please tell me, do you love me?" I doubted it at the time. But she said she did. So I asked her, and looked in her eyes, "tell me how much you love me. Tell me how much you really love me." she looked in my eyes. "I love you so much..." she began, and she tried to continue but she just cried and said she didn't have the words to tell me how much she loved me.

Ok, I talk to myself often. I even talk to Nicky often even though she isn't around. I still the same even if she does not, I ask myself how much do I love her. And I cannot express how much I love her in words. If I try I end up crying, not because I am sad, but because words do not contain the emotion I feel in responce to that question.

I have given her up at least four times now, and been (un)happy with my life. But she always does something to pull me back. I have given her up again this week, I still love her the same but I know we will not be together again. I hope she does not do anything to pull me back though I'm uncertain what she will do.

Whilst I am not happy now, I am glad that at least I have felt such love. In all honesty, my life is better without her. But I would still take her back, even knowing this. It's hard to explain, I am not posessive I think. Otherwise I could not give her up, but I still cry if I ask myself how much I love her. Maybe that isn't the definition of love, but no-matter how hard I try I cannot think of a better one.

Bad Day

Had a bad day today, nothing really happened I'm just in a bit of a mood.

I dont really think this world works for me, I dont fit in at all. At least that is how I feel at the moment, I have gone out a lot recently, never seen anyone I like nor even anyone who likes me.

Well, 'likes me' sure people do chat to me and say hello when they see me. Nice people too, but I am left being just the guy people like but not really they like 'that much'. As is always the way.

Before I met Nicky I only wanted someone to love me because I'm me. Who wanted to see me after work, or cuddle up or whatever and all because I was me. No one ever did until I met Nicky, and I dont feel anyone will again. And it is all I ever wanted, someone who loved me because I was me.

Sure my parents love me and my family too. But they do not love me because I am me, they love me because I am family. I just want someone to love me because I am me, but no-one ever really does. And I feel I do not work in this world at all and if I could end it all I would I think at the moment because I am not happy in this life at all. It isn't really about Nicky this time, I have just been looking at all the times I go out and I see nothing or nowhere or noone that I fit in. I just dont feel I belong here anymore.

It's a gloomy view and I guess I could end it all if I really wanted to, but I'm just not strong enough for it. I wish doctors offered an injection of somekind similar to those they give to animals to put them to sleep. I think I would do that if it were available.

Life is a gift, I really do believe that. But it isn't a gift that suits me anymore I think.

Meeting Nicky - Part Four

So, here I was with a girlfriend I knew was pregnant from before she met me. But she thought I didn't know. Now, knowing Nicky I couldn't just come out and say "I know you're pregnant", confronting her like that she would just deny it and get angry and probably leave me. I needed to get her to tell me herself. One night out in Newcastle a guy stopped as we walked past, pointed at her and said "Preggers!" in a happy voice. Of course Nicky got angry at him straight away and denied it until he apologised. I felt a bit sorry for the guy but couldn't say anything.

She dropped hints a few times, asking me "If I disappeared for a few weeks or a month soon. Would you take me back after?" Which I always replied that I would, but why would she need to disappear? She never really answered. She started having cravings too, for sherbert. Lots and lots of sherbert. I think I emptied the nearby shop of all their sherbert.

During all this we had our first argument. We thought we'd watch a movie in the bedroom, I had bought 'Fight Club' a while before and she said she liked it. So we sat down to watch the movie. Everything was fine until the sex scene. Then Nicky exploded saying I put it on just to watch that and that I was filthy and just like every other guy around...

I was incredibly shocked at this, not only had she said she'd seen the film it never even occured to me she would mind seeing such things. I only wanted to watch a movie... Even turning it off didn't calm her.

Nicky hides much of her emotion and it comes out in fury when she is angered. She will throw things around the room (televisions, Stereos, lamps, whatever is near), she will tear down the curtains from the wall (I still dont have curtains up in my bedroom because the old ones were torn down and wont go back up). She even sometimes physically harms herself (or me) but we will come to that part in another entry I think.

About 5 or 6 months after we had met, we were having an discussion/argument (she never really discusses anything) and she told me she was going to leave me. And I asked her why but she wouldn't tell me.

I held her waist and looked in her eyes and asked her to tell me how much she loved. And she looked at me and started to cry, and told me she loved me so much she couldn't find the words.
It is the same way I still feel, if I try to explain how much I love her I just cry. Because I cannot find the words to contain my love for her.

I asked her while still holding her and looking in her eyes, "Then please, tell me why you want to leave.""Because I'm pregnant." she said."I know you are darling" I said as I held her close. She was very shocked.

After the tears had gone, I asked her how long she had been. "Just over 8 months", it was my turn to be shocked. Though I knew she was pregnant I hadn't realised it was so close to being born. I told her she could keep it if she wanted, but she didn't. She wanted to give it for adoption and start a life with me. I tried to make sure it was what she really wanted, but I think it was though I'm still not entirely certain.

Things went well for a while with us then.

Trying To Recover

Well, four days ago I told Nicky that I would not see her again and told her to take care and that I loved her very much. Haven't phoned her since.

I'm going through some wild mood-swings at the moment. Sometimes I feel good, that there is someone out there that I am meant for, that isn't her. That my life will be much better now. Then within seconds I can be so depressed or start crying for no real reason. Rushing out of work to hide away isn't fun...

My love was such a rock, she's treated me so badly for over six months now. And she hasn't moved it. I still love her so much. But my spirit feels so battered at the moment, bruised all over. I'm sure it wont be quick to heal, but I hope it does eventually. I mostly just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be good again. But there isn't anyone, so I must fight through alone and hope I meet someone special one day.

Just feel really emotionally battered atm. I know it isn't very manly (well, considered by some anyway) but it's not something I can help much at the moment.

Meeting Nicky - Part Three

I was expecting her to phone on the tuesday while I was at work. But no call came, I visited the local shops in the afternoon and when I arrived back I was told she had phoned and would call back. I was a bit disappointed but at least she was going to phone back. She didn't.

I heard from her again on the Friday afternoon and met her again. She stayed the Friday night like before. Saturday afternoon I offered to buy a KFC meal for us both and went out. When I arrived back I was a bit shocked, she had built a makeshift bed in the front room and wanted some 'intimacy'. Now I did love the girl but I wasn't entirely ready for this step, and told her I didn't want her to get pregnant and I wanted to wait a bit. She was adamant she wouldn't get pregnant, she was so sure I began to wonder. I think I knew then that she was already pregnant.

As sunday came, and it was time for her to go I couldn't bear another week without seeing her. I didn't want to go a single day without seeing her. I was unable to work properly or sleep properly if I hadn't seen or talked to her. And I asked her to stay, to stay everynight. And she did.

My life changed a lot then, I phoned her each day and was always excited to come home. We still slept in separate beds for a month or so. Then she used to come into the spare room and talk to me, then she used to climb into the spare bed with me and talk. Then she started pressing against me some. It wasn't too quick a process, I was very nervous and shy. Eventually we both started sleeping in the double-bed together.

Hmmm, this isn't painting a pretty picture of her. You must understand, she is\was not so calculated as this is coming across. It is hard to describe someones personality, when you have seen their love and pain. She did fall truly in love with me, even now she still says she loved me so very much back then.

I guess the next part, we will cover her pregnancy and our first argument.