Belief and Knowing

I know, in my heart, I will not get back with my girlfriend. But I can't believe it, I think if I believe it I will die. So, though I know it wont happen, I can't allow myself to believe it at this time.

It's a strange thought, I have it today. I was sitting here at work and thinking, I didn't know when I kissed my girlfriend that it may be the last time I would kiss those lips. I didn't know when we were last together that it could be the last time we were together.

But I find myself starting to believe, that we are over. and I'm so scared :( I'm not sure what I will do if I believe, I would be lying if I said I haven't considered suicide. It has crossed my mind a few times. I'm not entirely sure if I am strong enough to do such a thing, but it has been on my thoughts.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I try to wake up, as though this is all a bad dream. I try so hard to wake up, hoping I will wake and we will still be happily together. But I never wake up :(

I was never happy with my life before I met her, I used to act happy to everyone around me. But I never was. The only thing I ever wanted was for someone to tell me they love me, and no-one did for 26 years of my life. I was never happy.

Then I found Nicola, she burst into my life with a huge bang :) And I knew, before I had spent even a single minute with her, that I was in love with her. Everyday we were together it felt as though this was who I was meant for, we fit so perfectly.

So why, if we are so perfect, did we split up? Nicola has issues, she has had so much pain in her life. She was abused as a child and was fostered by another family, she had a child with her boyfriend when she was around 16 or 17 and then had it taken off her and given into the care of her foster mother. She was physically and mentally tortured by the same boyfriend and then she ran away.

She met me four years later, she hadn't spoken to her foster parents since she had ran away. She has issues and I think these past times are spilling over and is preventing her from living as she should. She is a borderline drunk, I think, lately. and she is so hurt inside and cannot find a way to release the feelings.

I love her so much, and sometimes still when I look in her eyes and she tells me she doesn't love me. I see she still does, deep, buried beneath so much hurt but I know her so well and I see she does still love me, but cannot express it above her pain.

And I start to believe we will not be together again, I am scared what I will do should that belief take hold.