Messing Up

I'm still messed up I'm afraid, and starting to mess things up because of it. I dont work very well at the moment. Spent around 25mins crying in the toilet today, sometimes it feels like I wont ever stop.

My ex doesn't make things easier, she phones me says she will come over to watch a movie then disappears for a day or two without coming over. You'd think I'd learn by now, but hope never leaves and I always believe her when she says she will see me. In fact she has seen me recently fairly often, but not alone, always with friends around. And I so want to talk to her alone. She's tearing me apart at the moment.

I still believe we will get back together, I really dont want my life without her. People say there are others, but don't they think I've looked? I've never met or seen another woman who matches me so perfectly. Why do I still believe? Why were we together for so long? Why do I cry so much? Why do I still see love in her eyes sometimes? Why does she still kiss me sometimes? If we are not meant to be, why are there so many "why's"?

I still believe and, for now, that's is enough I guess. But if I mess the rest of my life much more maybe the belief will fade.