Please

I'm not too sober at the moment. My 'ex'-girlfriend stayed the night with me last Friday. I remember lying next to her and crying with joy, I didn't let her see the tears though maybe that was a mistake. Nothing happened, of course, I was not ready for it yet and she didn't make any advances either. Though that was warning enough. She told me she was going to stay the saturday night also, yes I was very happy during that night more happy than I have been in a very long time.

The next day she received her unemployment benefit money and she went out to buy some hair-dye. She enjoys dying her hair, she looked as pretty as ever. Then she went out asking me to phone her on a friends phone later that day. I knew she wouldn't be there to accept the call, of course, but still I wanted to believe. I phoned and she was gone, where? Her friend didn't know.

I saw her again on the sunday, she asked me out for a drink with her friends. We met and had a laugh, again I was hopeful. She asked if she could borrow a spare key for my flat, to allow her to come over the next day. I wasn't sure about that, but she promised me she would be there when I came home from work and we would watch a DVD I had bought recently. A DVD I bought especially for us both to watch together as I knew she would like to see it.

I was worried, I had spoken to her friends and they had said they think she might be seeing another guy. And, from what they told me, he was not a nice guy. He had given her a black-eye before and, they suspected, was giving her some kind of drugs (though, they are still not sure of this they are highly suspicious). They also said he was not liked by anyone at all.

As I was leaving, I asked Nicky outside and asked her directly was she seeing someone else. She got angry, then eventually said she was not.

Stupidly I lent her the key, the next day I phoned her up and she told me she would be there. Again I was happy though more than a bit doubtful. When I returned home she was, of course, no-where to be found. And the DVD I had bought for us both was missing.

The thing is, when I returned home the first thing I looked for was the DVD. I dont know why, but I thought she might take it. Her friends told me they saw it in her handbag when I asked them, she had been around my flat before I phoned her. So she must have known when I phoned her, she wouldn't be there.

I am not so annoyed at her taking a DVD, but more by the fact the DVD was bought especially for me and her to watch together as a nice evening and she knew this. That is what is eating me up at the moment, that she took a DVD I bought especially for us and will be watching it with someone else.

I know she goes around someone elses home, though she tells me she is not seeing anyone. I know this person she is seeing has hit her before. And I don't understand why she is staying with someone who would do such a thing. I know I have never given her a black eye before, I know she goes around there a lot.

I cannot stop being in love with her, I know I will always feel this way. I have loved her since we first met and done everything she asked of me. Sure we had arguments before, but everyone does. And she seems like she's on some kind of self-destructive behaviour. Even her friends are begining to dislike her.

I have prayed the last few nights, not for her to come back to me. But I wish for God to make sure she is well, that she becomes better. That she lives a happy life with people who love her. My love is so deep, even if her life is not with me. God, make her happy and safe. I would give my life for her happiness.

Please, I beg you.