To Nicola

There is so much back story to this post, I dont expect anyone to undertsand, really. And this post isn't to help anyone understand, it is simply for Nicola, though I know she will never read it.

I am in love with you, my darling. You do not know how hard I have tried to not be. But I, we, must face this fact I am in love with you. And more than that, not only am I in love with you but you were once in love with me too. And this is what breaks me so much, if you were in love with me I do not understand how our love was so fragile. You have treated me so badly in the past six months, I do not understand if you ever loved me so much how can you treat me so bad? Many people have told me, after the way you have treated me I should just stop seeing you, stop talking to you... I should rid my memory of you and move on with my life.

I can't, I have tried. You really don't know how hard I have tried to stop loving you. And I just can't.

But it doesn't matter, how much I love you. If you do not love me, it really doesn't matter. Your happiness means more to me than anything, I would give anything to see you happy even if it means you are not with me. I don't just love you my darling, I am in love with you. I will always be in love with you. I cannot help it, and I have tried.

Maybe I am too emotional, I know you force your emotions away but I can't do that. If you hurt me I will cry, if you do not see me, I will cry. The five years I have known you, I have cried more than the 26 years in total before. I rememer when we first met, and I can't explain, but I thought I knew you. Not directly, but I thought "I know her, somehow, this is right even though I have never seen her before." and I have never felt so right as when I do when you are with me. When we are apart, I am broken, no matter what I am doing, if I think "I will not see her today" I am broken, and I don't understand how you would prefer to be with someone else.
And I believe, my darling, we will not be together again. Even if you said yes, I do not believe you could show enough love to fix the heart you have broken so many times. I know, if you said you would come back to me. If we were together again, I would take you. But in my heart, I know we would not work, because I also know you could not show me enough love to fix the tears you have made in my soul. I never imagined our love was so fragile, I never believed you could truly leave me. I believed in you, in your love, so much. And every night we are apart, my heart breaks because it means you have chosen someone else over me.

And still you tell me, you don't know if we will get back together and I cling to these word, and search for some sign that there is truth in them. But I do not see any, I do not feel any. And every time you choose not to be with me, my heart breaks. I cannot hide my emotions the way you do, and I do not want to. Letting your emotions go is not weakness, darling, they helps us to cope, to move on, to become stronger. But you hide them away, and even if we will not be together again you must tell me and stay true. Because I am and will always be in love with you, my darling.

Do to me as you will, I will still be in love with you, for my love is boundless, I have more than proved it in the past few months. If you have chosen someone else, you must tell me. It isn't fair to keep me hanging on what might be. Hold me, tell me you love me but that you are not "in love" with me, anymore. And I will let you go, my darling. Because I want you to be happy, even if that means you are not with me. If we cannot be together anymore in the way I wish, let us remain friends. Not because I want you back, but because we love each-other. I will always be there for you, because you are and will always be, my darling.

I love you, my Nicola.