Defining Love

I've asked myself a lot recently, did I really love Nicky? Am I just posessive or just clingy? Did I really love her? Did she really love me?

I always remember, there was one time a few years ago. She had borrowed my credit card and spent a lot more money then she said she would (like, 5 times more, around £300) and we had an argument and she started to smash the flat up (as usual). And i held her shoulders and asked her "Please tell me, do you love me?" I doubted it at the time. But she said she did. So I asked her, and looked in her eyes, "tell me how much you love me. Tell me how much you really love me." she looked in my eyes. "I love you so much..." she began, and she tried to continue but she just cried and said she didn't have the words to tell me how much she loved me.

Ok, I talk to myself often. I even talk to Nicky often even though she isn't around. I still the same even if she does not, I ask myself how much do I love her. And I cannot express how much I love her in words. If I try I end up crying, not because I am sad, but because words do not contain the emotion I feel in responce to that question.

I have given her up at least four times now, and been (un)happy with my life. But she always does something to pull me back. I have given her up again this week, I still love her the same but I know we will not be together again. I hope she does not do anything to pull me back though I'm uncertain what she will do.

Whilst I am not happy now, I am glad that at least I have felt such love. In all honesty, my life is better without her. But I would still take her back, even knowing this. It's hard to explain, I am not posessive I think. Otherwise I could not give her up, but I still cry if I ask myself how much I love her. Maybe that isn't the definition of love, but no-matter how hard I try I cannot think of a better one.