Saying Goodbye

Her boyfriend cheated on her a few weeks ago, I expected them to be over because he was violent to her not this way. She stayed with me the few weeks after and then got nasty with me once her friends had some money.

I asked for a single evening with her, just one evening and the next morning to say goodbye. And last friday she came to stay. When she left me originally she just disappeared, no explanation, no goodbye. Literally disappeared, I came home one evening and she wasn't there. She came to me a few weeks later but has treated me badly ever since. I just wanted my goodbye. And saturday, once she had woken up I finally had it.

I sat next to her for a little while, then cried on her shoulder and told her she was not to phone me again. Not because I didn't want to see her or talk to her, but because I wanted to so much. I feel I belong to her although I know shouldn't. Every time I see her or talk to her I become hers once again in my heart. And so I have to stop seeing or talking to her, otherwise I will never find someone else to love.

I cried a lot with her on Saturday (she didn't cry at all, of course, but that wasn't what I was expecting). I was not crying to try and win her back with tears, I was crying because I was saying goodbye to someone I loved so much. I have always cried alone for so many months and I finally got to cry with someone I loved nearby to hold. I really needed that, and now I can try to let go.

She said I could phone her now and then to see how she is and I had to tell her I couldn't. If I waited months and then phoned her I would just be hers once again. And we talked and I explained and we talked a bit more and I am hope she understood why. I needed that so much I will look at it as the last gift she gave me.

I will cry for a long time now, I think. But it feels like the tears are now a healing process from losing her. I think this is the right kind of tears for a break-up, the kind I should've had so long ago. And now I think I can get better, though I will miss her so much I will get better now I've had my goodbye.

At this time I think when I die I will hold her once again in my mind and I will not be afraid. Because no matter how scared or sad I have been, holding her made me feel better. It is a bit morbid maybe, but I mean it in a nice way (no I'm not suicidal, I was earlier in the year when she was so cruel to me, but not now). I will always remember her, my Nicky, I wish her so much happiness and I pray we do both find someone who loves us as much as I love her now.

Goodbye my love, take care. I will miss you, always.