n!'s Development Thoughts

A brief meeting

2006-09-27T13:15:00.000+01:00

I hadn't seen Nicky for just over a month now, she tried to call a few times but I ignored them. She hadn't called for two weeks or so, then phoned again on Sunday. I didn't realise it was her and answered.

She told me she missed me a lot more than she thought she would, which made me pleased that she didn't hate me. It was nice to be missed by her. We chatted for a little time, I told her about a few girls I had met in the past few weeks.

She then told me she wanted us to get back together and if I could meet her at a pub. I didn't entirely believe her, though I was kind of hopeful. So I met her and she kissed me and held my hand. But I think I could tell straight away she didn't really love me the way she was saying. So I told her not to phone her boyfriend up yet (she wanted to when I met her). We went back to mine and she phoned up her boyfriend. I told her not to, because I knew she didn't mean it really. She then wanted to go to sleep, so I lay next to her and as she turned over I smiled and watched her for a time. But my smile was slightly bitter, I already knew she didn't want to come back to me really.

Then I kissed her back, and got out of bed. We talked for a time and I told her she didn't really love me in this way. And she said she knew, she just missed me so much and was confused. She also said she didn't like the idea of other girls liking me. She said she never means to hurt me, and I told her I knew that. I would hate her for the things she has done if I thought she meant to hurt me. But I know her so well. So we said goodbye again and she phoned up her boyfriend and told him she was lying before (you have to know her to understand this is quite a plausible lie).

The thing is, I know she never really means to hurt me. And that is why she hurts me so much. because I know she didn't mean to. And it is why I cannot be friends with her, because she will always hurt me though she didn't mean to.

It is a month away from my birthday now, we agreed to meet then though not talk to each other before. Just to catch up, we both love each other very much I think. Just not in a particular way anymore, though the love is more than just friendship I think. I will look forward to my birthday now, though also wont want it to come. But if I she is there to wish me a happy birthday, my day will be so special.

I was doing ok, until she phoned then I kinda broke down again. Hopefully I wont get so messed up on my birthday. I don't know. But I will look forward to seeing her one more time. I only ever feel right when I am with her, whether we are together or not. I feel wrong every day I do not see her, I hope there is someone else who can fix me. Because I know she is no longer for me.

Saying Goodbye

2006-08-21T19:35:00.000+01:00

Her boyfriend cheated on her a few weeks ago, I expected them to be over because he was violent to her not this way. She stayed with me the few weeks after and then got nasty with me once her friends had some money.

I asked for a single evening with her, just one evening and the next morning to say goodbye. And last friday she came to stay. When she left me originally she just disappeared, no explanation, no goodbye. Literally disappeared, I came home one evening and she wasn't there. She came to me a few weeks later but has treated me badly ever since. I just wanted my goodbye. And saturday, once she had woken up I finally had it.

I sat next to her for a little while, then cried on her shoulder and told her she was not to phone me again. Not because I didn't want to see her or talk to her, but because I wanted to so much. I feel I belong to her although I know shouldn't. Every time I see her or talk to her I become hers once again in my heart. And so I have to stop seeing or talking to her, otherwise I will never find someone else to love.

I cried a lot with her on Saturday (she didn't cry at all, of course, but that wasn't what I was expecting). I was not crying to try and win her back with tears, I was crying because I was saying goodbye to someone I loved so much. I have always cried alone for so many months and I finally got to cry with someone I loved nearby to hold. I really needed that, and now I can try to let go.

She said I could phone her now and then to see how she is and I had to tell her I couldn't. If I waited months and then phoned her I would just be hers once again. And we talked and I explained and we talked a bit more and I am hope she understood why. I needed that so much I will look at it as the last gift she gave me.

I will cry for a long time now, I think. But it feels like the tears are now a healing process from losing her. I think this is the right kind of tears for a break-up, the kind I should've had so long ago. And now I think I can get better, though I will miss her so much I will get better now I've had my goodbye.

At this time I think when I die I will hold her once again in my mind and I will not be afraid. Because no matter how scared or sad I have been, holding her made me feel better. It is a bit morbid maybe, but I mean it in a nice way (no I'm not suicidal, I was earlier in the year when she was so cruel to me, but not now). I will always remember her, my Nicky, I wish her so much happiness and I pray we do both find someone who loves us as much as I love her now.

Goodbye my love, take care. I will miss you, always.

Gone

2006-07-24T01:05:00.000+01:00

Mmmm, I dont think the Nicky I was in love with exists anymore. The girl I see these days is actually cruel, unkind and uncaring to a lot of people that have treated her well (not just me, I feel I must add). And I'm pretty close to just asking her to not see me anymore I think. I dont understand how she can be so different, and it's tearing me up to think she is so bad I might not even be able to see her anymore. But I'm begining to see this will probably be the best thing for both of us. But I can't do it yet, even though I know it will come pretty soon (sooner than I wish too I think). But she is not the Nicky I fell in love with anymore, I think she is still in there somewhere but she been buried by this new Nicky who is not so nice. I miss my Nicky but I think she is gone... :(

Defining Love

2006-07-14T00:18:00.000+01:00

I've asked myself a lot recently, did I really love Nicky? Am I just posessive or just clingy? Did I really love her? Did she really love me?

I always remember, there was one time a few years ago. She had borrowed my credit card and spent a lot more money then she said she would (like, 5 times more, around £300) and we had an argument and she started to smash the flat up (as usual). And i held her shoulders and asked her "Please tell me, do you love me?" I doubted it at the time. But she said she did. So I asked her, and looked in her eyes, "tell me how much you love me. Tell me how much you really love me." she looked in my eyes. "I love you so much..." she began, and she tried to continue but she just cried and said she didn't have the words to tell me how much she loved me.

Ok, I talk to myself often. I even talk to Nicky often even though she isn't around. I still the same even if she does not, I ask myself how much do I love her. And I cannot express how much I love her in words. If I try I end up crying, not because I am sad, but because words do not contain the emotion I feel in responce to that question.

I have given her up at least four times now, and been (un)happy with my life. But she always does something to pull me back. I have given her up again this week, I still love her the same but I know we will not be together again. I hope she does not do anything to pull me back though I'm uncertain what she will do.

Whilst I am not happy now, I am glad that at least I have felt such love. In all honesty, my life is better without her. But I would still take her back, even knowing this. It's hard to explain, I am not posessive I think. Otherwise I could not give her up, but I still cry if I ask myself how much I love her. Maybe that isn't the definition of love, but no-matter how hard I try I cannot think of a better one.

Bad Day

2006-07-03T23:55:00.000+01:00

Had a bad day today, nothing really happened I'm just in a bit of a mood.

I dont really think this world works for me, I dont fit in at all. At least that is how I feel at the moment, I have gone out a lot recently, never seen anyone I like nor even anyone who likes me.

Well, 'likes me' sure people do chat to me and say hello when they see me. Nice people too, but I am left being just the guy people like but not really they like 'that much'. As is always the way.

Before I met Nicky I only wanted someone to love me because I'm me. Who wanted to see me after work, or cuddle up or whatever and all because I was me. No one ever did until I met Nicky, and I dont feel anyone will again. And it is all I ever wanted, someone who loved me because I was me.

Sure my parents love me and my family too. But they do not love me because I am me, they love me because I am family. I just want someone to love me because I am me, but no-one ever really does. And I feel I do not work in this world at all and if I could end it all I would I think at the moment because I am not happy in this life at all. It isn't really about Nicky this time, I have just been looking at all the times I go out and I see nothing or nowhere or noone that I fit in. I just dont feel I belong here anymore.

It's a gloomy view and I guess I could end it all if I really wanted to, but I'm just not strong enough for it. I wish doctors offered an injection of somekind similar to those they give to animals to put them to sleep. I think I would do that if it were available.

Life is a gift, I really do believe that. But it isn't a gift that suits me anymore I think.

Meeting Nicky - Part Four

2006-07-03T15:47:00.000+01:00

So, here I was with a girlfriend I knew was pregnant from before she met me. But she thought I didn't know. Now, knowing Nicky I couldn't just come out and say "I know you're pregnant", confronting her like that she would just deny it and get angry and probably leave me. I needed to get her to tell me herself. One night out in Newcastle a guy stopped as we walked past, pointed at her and said "Preggers!" in a happy voice. Of course Nicky got angry at him straight away and denied it until he apologised. I felt a bit sorry for the guy but couldn't say anything.

She dropped hints a few times, asking me "If I disappeared for a few weeks or a month soon. Would you take me back after?" Which I always replied that I would, but why would she need to disappear? She never really answered. She started having cravings too, for sherbert. Lots and lots of sherbert. I think I emptied the nearby shop of all their sherbert.

During all this we had our first argument. We thought we'd watch a movie in the bedroom, I had bought 'Fight Club' a while before and she said she liked it. So we sat down to watch the movie. Everything was fine until the sex scene. Then Nicky exploded saying I put it on just to watch that and that I was filthy and just like every other guy around...

I was incredibly shocked at this, not only had she said she'd seen the film it never even occured to me she would mind seeing such things. I only wanted to watch a movie... Even turning it off didn't calm her.

Nicky hides much of her emotion and it comes out in fury when she is angered. She will throw things around the room (televisions, Stereos, lamps, whatever is near), she will tear down the curtains from the wall (I still dont have curtains up in my bedroom because the old ones were torn down and wont go back up). She even sometimes physically harms herself (or me) but we will come to that part in another entry I think.

About 5 or 6 months after we had met, we were having an discussion/argument (she never really discusses anything) and she told me she was going to leave me. And I asked her why but she wouldn't tell me.

I held her waist and looked in her eyes and asked her to tell me how much she loved. And she looked at me and started to cry, and told me she loved me so much she couldn't find the words.
It is the same way I still feel, if I try to explain how much I love her I just cry. Because I cannot find the words to contain my love for her.

I asked her while still holding her and looking in her eyes, "Then please, tell me why you want to leave.""Because I'm pregnant." she said."I know you are darling" I said as I held her close. She was very shocked.

After the tears had gone, I asked her how long she had been. "Just over 8 months", it was my turn to be shocked. Though I knew she was pregnant I hadn't realised it was so close to being born. I told her she could keep it if she wanted, but she didn't. She wanted to give it for adoption and start a life with me. I tried to make sure it was what she really wanted, but I think it was though I'm still not entirely certain.

Things went well for a while with us then.

Trying To Recover

2006-06-19T16:39:00.000+01:00

Well, four days ago I told Nicky that I would not see her again and told her to take care and that I loved her very much. Haven't phoned her since.

I'm going through some wild mood-swings at the moment. Sometimes I feel good, that there is someone out there that I am meant for, that isn't her. That my life will be much better now. Then within seconds I can be so depressed or start crying for no real reason. Rushing out of work to hide away isn't fun...

My love was such a rock, she's treated me so badly for over six months now. And she hasn't moved it. I still love her so much. But my spirit feels so battered at the moment, bruised all over. I'm sure it wont be quick to heal, but I hope it does eventually. I mostly just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be good again. But there isn't anyone, so I must fight through alone and hope I meet someone special one day.

Just feel really emotionally battered atm. I know it isn't very manly (well, considered by some anyway) but it's not something I can help much at the moment.

Meeting Nicky - Part Three

2006-06-15T09:56:00.000+01:00

I was expecting her to phone on the tuesday while I was at work. But no call came, I visited the local shops in the afternoon and when I arrived back I was told she had phoned and would call back. I was a bit disappointed but at least she was going to phone back. She didn't.

I heard from her again on the Friday afternoon and met her again. She stayed the Friday night like before. Saturday afternoon I offered to buy a KFC meal for us both and went out. When I arrived back I was a bit shocked, she had built a makeshift bed in the front room and wanted some 'intimacy'. Now I did love the girl but I wasn't entirely ready for this step, and told her I didn't want her to get pregnant and I wanted to wait a bit. She was adamant she wouldn't get pregnant, she was so sure I began to wonder. I think I knew then that she was already pregnant.

As sunday came, and it was time for her to go I couldn't bear another week without seeing her. I didn't want to go a single day without seeing her. I was unable to work properly or sleep properly if I hadn't seen or talked to her. And I asked her to stay, to stay everynight. And she did.

My life changed a lot then, I phoned her each day and was always excited to come home. We still slept in separate beds for a month or so. Then she used to come into the spare room and talk to me, then she used to climb into the spare bed with me and talk. Then she started pressing against me some. It wasn't too quick a process, I was very nervous and shy. Eventually we both started sleeping in the double-bed together.

Hmmm, this isn't painting a pretty picture of her. You must understand, she is\was not so calculated as this is coming across. It is hard to describe someones personality, when you have seen their love and pain. She did fall truly in love with me, even now she still says she loved me so very much back then.

I guess the next part, we will cover her pregnancy and our first argument.

Meeting Nicky - Part Two

2006-06-01T23:58:00.000+01:00

To be honest, I dont know what I was thinking that morning. I've already said I thought I fell in love the night before, but I didn't realise it at the time. I hadn't been in love before (or since) and I didn't recognise it at the time. And it wasn't sexual at the time, I didn't and wouldn't just jump in to bed with some girl I'd only just met. Even if I thought she would let me. It just felt 'right' that she was with me. She felt right, even if I didn't think she felt the same.

So I went to work and I left her, alone, in my flat. Of course, on the bus to work I kept telling myself "Oh my god, you're such an idiot to let a stranger stay in your flat.", I kept on telling myself this over and over. When I got to work I told a friend, I have an unknown girl left in my flat alone. I don't know now if it was because I was worried or excited or something else. But I didn't expect it to go any further, then our personnel manager called me into her room. And said she had heard about it and that I cannot leave a strange girl in my flat. I said that I trusted her, and they that was all well and good but you can’t leave a strange girl in your flat.

They offered to send someone around to remove her, and I said no. I said no so many times. What if my trust wasn’t misplaced? I didn’t want her kicked out if I could trust her… But they kept on, and said if my trust wasn’t misplaced then she would understand why she had to be kicked out. I was dubious and argued against it for a long time.

Eventually, I gave in and two women from the company visited my house to remove her with money for a taxi ride wherever she wanted.

I still wish I had trusted her.

That night, when I went home I still half expected her there. But she wasn’t, she was gone. And I cried, because the night didn’t feel right without her there. And I cried the Thursday night and the Friday. The weekend was hard, but I survived and I was almost back to normal the next week, though something still felt wrong.

The following Friday came along and I went home, I began playing “Black and White” a recently released game. Then I received a phone call, it was my team leader from work. “There’s a girl asking for your phone number. Should I give it her?” he asked.

I was shocked, and excited and happy. “Yes.” I told him.
“Is this ‘the’ girl?” he asked
“Yes” I said.
“Are you sure you want me to give her your phone number?” he asked
“Yes, give it to her.” I replied.
“Ok” and I hung up the phone.

I received a call only a minute or so later. It was Nicola (though, at the time I thought her name was Beth). She was in the pub we had met outside the week before (called ‘Flares’ at the time). She asked If I would like to go for a drink. Of course, I said yes. And I rushed there. God knows, how I rushed. I sat at the table opposite her. We talked briefly and then she said to me:

“I’ve wanted to do this for ages.” And leaned across to me, then put her hand around my neck.
Now, I wasn’t actually sure what was going on I even thought she wanted to whisper something to me. So I leaned closer, and she kissed me. Which wasn’t what I was expecting at all. I think I will always remember that kiss. My first real kiss, though I wasn’t expecting it.

She stayed in the double bed again that night, with me in the spare room. She stayed on the Saturday and the Sunday. But she left the Monday morning, because I had work. She promised she would phone during the week.

She didn’t until the following Friday.

To be continued…

Meeting Nicky - Part One

2006-06-01T17:30:00.000+01:00

I have never told anyone the entire story of how I met Nicola, and our first few weeks together. Not even my parents know everything, I was afraid they would think badly of Nicky because they didn't know her as I did. This will be the first time ever I tell this story in full, without hiding anything and it is all true.

I had to work late on a Tuesday evening, working late is kind of a given sometimes in my profession. Usually someone would give me a lift home from work, but I was one of the last to leave so I had to wait outside for the bus to arrive.

So, I took the bus to Newcastle. As it arrived in the town center, I stood up to get off. But the bus pulled into a stop I never used before I hadn't realised this stop was there before my normal one. I contemplated asking the driver to continue to the next stop, but it was late and I couldn't be bothered. It didn't really make the walk home any longer, I would just need to take a different route.

Now, I should stress at this point I *never* got off at this bus stop before and I *never* walked home this way when getting off the bus either. But March 27th 2001 I did, for the first and only time in my life.

I started on my journey home, thinking of taking a nice bath and going to bed. These were the only things on my mind.

"Excuse me." a girl says to me, "Could you lend me a pound for a drink?" I didn't look up really, I got asked this pretty often. I fished in my pocket and took out a pound coin and handed it to her. She looked at the pound in her palm, and I guess this was where I first looked at her. She was pretty, but looked a little sad. She looked up at me again. "mmmm, is this... Would you like to go for a drink?"
"I don't have any more money on me, sorry." I said, truthfully.
"Could you get some?" I looked at her a bit more closely now, I think this was actually the very moment I fell in love with her :) Sounds strange, but true.

Now, I didn't have much money in the bank. I was due to be paid on the Friday. But, I withdrew my last money. I thought "What the hell, it's not like I will starve the rest of the week." She waited for me in the doorway, I think she thought I wouldn't come back and I thought she wouldn't stay there :) But, I did come back and she was still there.

She was pretty chatty, tried to get me to dance once but didn't quite manage it (hell I had never even sat next to a girl before let alone danced with one). Then later in the night she turned to me and said "I've decided, I'm staying over yours tonight.". Now don't get this wrong, I was in love with her but I was a little shocked someone would want to stay over a strangers flat. I didn’t know what to say really, she looked a little doubtful then “Is that ok?” she asked.
“ummm, sure if you like. You can have my bed, I’ll sleep in the spare room.”

So that night, she stayed in my double bed. Whilst I slept on the single bed in the spare room. The next morning I woke up and got ready for work, listening for signs of the girl waking.

“Ummm, I need to leave for work in about 10 minutes.” I called. Some rustling in the room, but it didn’t sound like she was getting up. I knocked on the door and poked my head around. She was curled up in a ball within the duvet. Her head poked out and she said

“Can I stay please?” she asked, she looked very cute wrapped up like that. But I wasn’t stupid enough to let a complete stranger stay unwatched in my flat.
“Ummm, I really need to goto bed.”
“Please? You can lock the door.” Which, of course, was out of the question. I thought of her as a guest not a prisoner.
“I can’t lock you in.”
“Please can I stay?”

I paced in the corridor, it would be insane to leave her here alone. But yet, inside I did trust her. I didn’t think she was going to rob me.

To be continued.

Another Dream

2006-05-30T12:06:00.000+01:00

I had another dream a little while ago. I can't remember it exactly nor word for word but it went like this:

I was floating in darkness, as though looking through my own eyes. And something spoke to me, "Come" it said, and I drifted in the darkness. Then I saw lights, bright lights and not so bright ones. I was in an enormous room, there was a floor and ceiling but the room was so large I could not see any walls. And floating at regular intervals around the room were large crystals, that reach tip-to-tip from the floor to the ceiling.
"What are these?" I asked.
"They are the souls of every person." the voice replied. Some were dark, almost black and were bad souls and some were bright. The darker a crystal, the worse the soul was.
"Would you like to see Nicola's soul?" the voice asked, and I said I would.
We drifted through the silent room, between souls of so many people.
"We must be careful here." the voice informed me, "there are many dark souls."
I could barely see, it had become so dark. Then a brilliantly glowing crystal appeared, blindingly bright. But it was surrounded on all sides by dark souls, such a bright thing with such darkness surrounding it. "This is her soul" the voice said.
I looked for a time, so happy to see such a thing. And then I noticed there was a crack in the glowing crystal. I pointed it out (though, tbh, I'm not sure how. I can't remember having any arms).
The voice seemed very shocked and worried, "souls are not meant to crack." it told me.
"But it can be fixed?" I was worried now.
"I'm not sure, they are not meant to break. It will be very difficult."

I can't remember what was said after that, I'm sure I said something like I would try. But can't remember. It was actually quite a nice dream up until the end. But I write it here as its one I probably wont forget for a while.

To Nicola

2006-05-26T01:04:00.000+01:00

There is so much back story to this post, I dont expect anyone to undertsand, really. And this post isn't to help anyone understand, it is simply for Nicola, though I know she will never read it.

I am in love with you, my darling. You do not know how hard I have tried to not be. But I, we, must face this fact I am in love with you. And more than that, not only am I in love with you but you were once in love with me too. And this is what breaks me so much, if you were in love with me I do not understand how our love was so fragile. You have treated me so badly in the past six months, I do not understand if you ever loved me so much how can you treat me so bad? Many people have told me, after the way you have treated me I should just stop seeing you, stop talking to you... I should rid my memory of you and move on with my life.

I can't, I have tried. You really don't know how hard I have tried to stop loving you. And I just can't.

But it doesn't matter, how much I love you. If you do not love me, it really doesn't matter. Your happiness means more to me than anything, I would give anything to see you happy even if it means you are not with me. I don't just love you my darling, I am in love with you. I will always be in love with you. I cannot help it, and I have tried.

Maybe I am too emotional, I know you force your emotions away but I can't do that. If you hurt me I will cry, if you do not see me, I will cry. The five years I have known you, I have cried more than the 26 years in total before. I rememer when we first met, and I can't explain, but I thought I knew you. Not directly, but I thought "I know her, somehow, this is right even though I have never seen her before." and I have never felt so right as when I do when you are with me. When we are apart, I am broken, no matter what I am doing, if I think "I will not see her today" I am broken, and I don't understand how you would prefer to be with someone else.
And I believe, my darling, we will not be together again. Even if you said yes, I do not believe you could show enough love to fix the heart you have broken so many times. I know, if you said you would come back to me. If we were together again, I would take you. But in my heart, I know we would not work, because I also know you could not show me enough love to fix the tears you have made in my soul. I never imagined our love was so fragile, I never believed you could truly leave me. I believed in you, in your love, so much. And every night we are apart, my heart breaks because it means you have chosen someone else over me.

And still you tell me, you don't know if we will get back together and I cling to these word, and search for some sign that there is truth in them. But I do not see any, I do not feel any. And every time you choose not to be with me, my heart breaks. I cannot hide my emotions the way you do, and I do not want to. Letting your emotions go is not weakness, darling, they helps us to cope, to move on, to become stronger. But you hide them away, and even if we will not be together again you must tell me and stay true. Because I am and will always be in love with you, my darling.

Do to me as you will, I will still be in love with you, for my love is boundless, I have more than proved it in the past few months. If you have chosen someone else, you must tell me. It isn't fair to keep me hanging on what might be. Hold me, tell me you love me but that you are not "in love" with me, anymore. And I will let you go, my darling. Because I want you to be happy, even if that means you are not with me. If we cannot be together anymore in the way I wish, let us remain friends. Not because I want you back, but because we love each-other. I will always be there for you, because you are and will always be, my darling.

I love you, my Nicola.

Truths

2006-04-18T10:31:00.000+01:00

My ex promised to see me to talk last Friday, she never came around of course desipte promising for many hours in a row then stopping answering her phone. I expected it really, I knew what was going on. I just wanted her to tell me instead of keeping me hanging on knowing the truth but wondering if what I knew was wrong. I then went to visit my parents for the Easter Weekend.

I sent her a text message on the Friday before I left "Darling. Please talk to me face-to-face. People tell me things that are messing me up and I need to hear from you if it is true or not. xxx". She phoned me the next day on promised (again) to meet on Friday. I received a few more text messages that day (humorous ones). I had a few pints, and sent her another message.

"I've had the time of my life with you. You will always be my closest friend. Sorry for the cheese miss.clicky had a few pints. xxx" (The nick-name miss.clicky I gave her a long time ago as she liked to click her bones a lot...).

I got a phone call a few minutes after and she told me she was seeing another guy. To be honest it felt a great weight had been lifted, I no longer had to worry what was going on. I had the truth, and though it hurt, of course, I felt so much better for knowing. She asked me to phone her the next day.

We chatted briefly the next day, her new boyfriend said hello to me in the background while making some noise (I guess he wanted to make sure I knew she was with him, whatever, those childish games dont work with me. I let her make her own choices).

I got a phone call later that day, her new boyfriend had held a knife to her and had threatened her and blamed her for being abused by her father when she was a child...

I was still at my parents and couldn't come rushing to her, but I left early Monday to catch a train back. I found she had returned to his flat the night before and no-one had managed to contact her again, so I got worried and sent her a text asking her to contact me or I would think about calling the police. I got a call from her a short time later, she wanted to stay over my place Monday night away from her new boyfriend. And so she did. I tried, as much as I could to act like a normal friend.

I have given her a spare key to my flat today, so she can go out while I'm at work. I dont expect her to stay another night and I'm not expecting her back. She mentioned her new boyfriend is very controlling, telling her not to go out etc. I was never like that, I trusted her when she went out alone. If someone is with me I want it to be because they choose to be with me because of love, I cannot force her to love me again. No matter how much I feel for her.

I'm still hurting, but knowing the truth makes me feel a lot better. It will always be hard around her for me, because I can never be 'just a friend'. I'm in love with her, I left her a note today telling her, I will always be in love with her and I will always want her back. But that is her choice and if we never get back together I wish for us both to find someone who loves us as much as we once loved each other. And makes us as happy as we used to be.

No matter what the future brings, I wish her so much happiness. She will always be my Darling.

Please

2006-04-12T00:48:00.000+01:00

I'm not too sober at the moment. My 'ex'-girlfriend stayed the night with me last Friday. I remember lying next to her and crying with joy, I didn't let her see the tears though maybe that was a mistake. Nothing happened, of course, I was not ready for it yet and she didn't make any advances either. Though that was warning enough. She told me she was going to stay the saturday night also, yes I was very happy during that night more happy than I have been in a very long time.

The next day she received her unemployment benefit money and she went out to buy some hair-dye. She enjoys dying her hair, she looked as pretty as ever. Then she went out asking me to phone her on a friends phone later that day. I knew she wouldn't be there to accept the call, of course, but still I wanted to believe. I phoned and she was gone, where? Her friend didn't know.

I saw her again on the sunday, she asked me out for a drink with her friends. We met and had a laugh, again I was hopeful. She asked if she could borrow a spare key for my flat, to allow her to come over the next day. I wasn't sure about that, but she promised me she would be there when I came home from work and we would watch a DVD I had bought recently. A DVD I bought especially for us both to watch together as I knew she would like to see it.

I was worried, I had spoken to her friends and they had said they think she might be seeing another guy. And, from what they told me, he was not a nice guy. He had given her a black-eye before and, they suspected, was giving her some kind of drugs (though, they are still not sure of this they are highly suspicious). They also said he was not liked by anyone at all.

As I was leaving, I asked Nicky outside and asked her directly was she seeing someone else. She got angry, then eventually said she was not.

Stupidly I lent her the key, the next day I phoned her up and she told me she would be there. Again I was happy though more than a bit doubtful. When I returned home she was, of course, no-where to be found. And the DVD I had bought for us both was missing.

The thing is, when I returned home the first thing I looked for was the DVD. I dont know why, but I thought she might take it. Her friends told me they saw it in her handbag when I asked them, she had been around my flat before I phoned her. So she must have known when I phoned her, she wouldn't be there.

I am not so annoyed at her taking a DVD, but more by the fact the DVD was bought especially for me and her to watch together as a nice evening and she knew this. That is what is eating me up at the moment, that she took a DVD I bought especially for us and will be watching it with someone else.

I know she goes around someone elses home, though she tells me she is not seeing anyone. I know this person she is seeing has hit her before. And I don't understand why she is staying with someone who would do such a thing. I know I have never given her a black eye before, I know she goes around there a lot.

I cannot stop being in love with her, I know I will always feel this way. I have loved her since we first met and done everything she asked of me. Sure we had arguments before, but everyone does. And she seems like she's on some kind of self-destructive behaviour. Even her friends are begining to dislike her.

I have prayed the last few nights, not for her to come back to me. But I wish for God to make sure she is well, that she becomes better. That she lives a happy life with people who love her. My love is so deep, even if her life is not with me. God, make her happy and safe. I would give my life for her happiness.

Please, I beg you.

Messing Up

2006-04-04T19:07:00.000+01:00

I'm still messed up I'm afraid, and starting to mess things up because of it. I dont work very well at the moment. Spent around 25mins crying in the toilet today, sometimes it feels like I wont ever stop.

My ex doesn't make things easier, she phones me says she will come over to watch a movie then disappears for a day or two without coming over. You'd think I'd learn by now, but hope never leaves and I always believe her when she says she will see me. In fact she has seen me recently fairly often, but not alone, always with friends around. And I so want to talk to her alone. She's tearing me apart at the moment.

I still believe we will get back together, I really dont want my life without her. People say there are others, but don't they think I've looked? I've never met or seen another woman who matches me so perfectly. Why do I still believe? Why were we together for so long? Why do I cry so much? Why do I still see love in her eyes sometimes? Why does she still kiss me sometimes? If we are not meant to be, why are there so many "why's"?

I still believe and, for now, that's is enough I guess. But if I mess the rest of my life much more maybe the belief will fade.

Goodbye My Lover

2006-03-28T18:56:00.000+01:00

I heard a song today, and I must admit tears started streaming while listening. It puts any of my poor attempts at poetry to shame and said almost exactly what I want to say to my girlfriend.

It's called 'Goodbye My Lover' by James Blunt. And it really does touch me at this time, though don't listen if you've just broken up with someone you loved dearly...

I am a dreamer but when I wake
You can't break my spirit - It's my dreams you take
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleep for a while
I'd be the father of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine
We've had our doubts, but now we're fine
And I love you, I swear that's true
I cannot live without you.

Words that I wish I could write :)

More Writings

2006-03-27T16:47:00.000+01:00

hmm, still around, still hurting. Sometimes I actually feel ok, strange really, but most of the time I feel so sad and unhappy. I thought it would be at least a little easier by now, but it isn't really and even I start to think I'm dragging it out too much. But I can't force myself to feel another way, I wish I could :(

I would like to note, that today marks the fifth anniversary of when we first met. I love the story of our meeting, it is special. I think I will write it here in another blog post soon to share such a chance meeting. But not today.

Anyway, sharing more poems. I never wrote so many before, so I guess I am hurting a lot :( These are pretty rough, I literally wrote them out into notepad a few minutes ago! They don't even have names yet. As I said, very rough around the edges, they certainly demonstrate that I'm no real poet :)

Poem 1, For this poem I was actually trying to write a happy poem about love. Most of mine seem bitter-sweet, so I wanted a nice happy one to cheer me up. I think it still ended up bitter-sweet though :( Pretty short however, maybe needs another verse or two.

I still see your smile.
Each night in my dreams.
I hear your voice in whispers,
Calling out to me.
You speak of love unbounded,
That covers all land and sea,
No matter where I am, at any moment,
You speak of love that reaches me.

Poem 2, ok. This one's sad and a bit rough around the edges. But I think gets across how I face each day at the moment.

I woke without you this morning,
Though outside there were blue skies.
I rose and dressed so slowly,
And fought the tears in my eyes.

I did not want the day coming,
I could not face what came my way.
Because I would not see you,
Even if I called your name.

The day dragged on forever,
As though it would not end.
But my mind was always upon you,
Though no longer, were you my friend.

I have lost so much without you,
I cannot bear this pain inside.
And I want to run without ending,
Or find some secret place to hide.

I woke without you this morning,
Though outside there were blue skies.
And though I try to face the daybreak,
I feel nothing but sadness inside.

Both are for Nicola. I will always love you.

Belief and Knowing

2006-03-22T10:21:00.000Z

I know, in my heart, I will not get back with my girlfriend. But I can't believe it, I think if I believe it I will die. So, though I know it wont happen, I can't allow myself to believe it at this time.

It's a strange thought, I have it today. I was sitting here at work and thinking, I didn't know when I kissed my girlfriend that it may be the last time I would kiss those lips. I didn't know when we were last together that it could be the last time we were together.

But I find myself starting to believe, that we are over. and I'm so scared :( I'm not sure what I will do if I believe, I would be lying if I said I haven't considered suicide. It has crossed my mind a few times. I'm not entirely sure if I am strong enough to do such a thing, but it has been on my thoughts.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I try to wake up, as though this is all a bad dream. I try so hard to wake up, hoping I will wake and we will still be happily together. But I never wake up :(

I was never happy with my life before I met her, I used to act happy to everyone around me. But I never was. The only thing I ever wanted was for someone to tell me they love me, and no-one did for 26 years of my life. I was never happy.

Then I found Nicola, she burst into my life with a huge bang :) And I knew, before I had spent even a single minute with her, that I was in love with her. Everyday we were together it felt as though this was who I was meant for, we fit so perfectly.

So why, if we are so perfect, did we split up? Nicola has issues, she has had so much pain in her life. She was abused as a child and was fostered by another family, she had a child with her boyfriend when she was around 16 or 17 and then had it taken off her and given into the care of her foster mother. She was physically and mentally tortured by the same boyfriend and then she ran away.

She met me four years later, she hadn't spoken to her foster parents since she had ran away. She has issues and I think these past times are spilling over and is preventing her from living as she should. She is a borderline drunk, I think, lately. and she is so hurt inside and cannot find a way to release the feelings.

I love her so much, and sometimes still when I look in her eyes and she tells me she doesn't love me. I see she still does, deep, buried beneath so much hurt but I know her so well and I see she does still love me, but cannot express it above her pain.

And I start to believe we will not be together again, I am scared what I will do should that belief take hold.

Poems

2006-03-21T09:49:00.000Z

I'm not really too good at poetic writing, only written a few before. I'm just going to note some excerpts, rather than the full versions, here from a few I have written previously, as they still say how I felt and feel. I'm not looking for commentary on how good or bad they are. But they show some feelings and I think I need to put them out somewhere. Maybe I will post the full versions sometime, but these sections just say what I need to say at this time.

Secrets
Secrets I'll tell you,
From the depths of my soul.
To you I'll tell,
All the secrets I know.
The blackest, the brightest,
The darkest, the lightest.
Just tell me you love me,
And to you I'll tell all.

I'll love and protect you,
From all that I can.
Just reach out to me,
I'll take hold of your hand.
The strongest, the weakest,
The bravest, the meekest.
Just tell me you love me,
And I'll understand.

My heart beats for you
My darling I love you,
What more is there to say?
For my heart will always beat for you,
Until my final day.

Love
Never have I felt,
A feeling so great,
As that which is,
The opposite of hate.

A feeling so strong,
A feeling so true,
The feeling I feel,
When I am with you.

When I look in your eyes,
When I touch your cheek,
When I hold you close,
Whenever we meet.

A feeling so strong,
A feeling so true,
When you are with me
I can never be blue.

Winter Has Come
When I first met you,
Spring dawned in my heart.
Laughter would come unbidden,
And pain when we were apart.

Then came summer with us together,
And my whole world seemed so complete.
With such pure love I held you,
And such joy when we would meet.

Then autumn came amongst us,
And a sadness within my heart.
I did not want to lose you,
But I could feel it in my heart.

And now winter has come between us,
I think nothing will ever be the same.
For we are not together,
And I wish for our spring again.

Sad Dreams
I do not wish to sleep tonight,
For I know I will dream once more.
And the tears will come each morning
Since the day you walked out my door.

'My heart beats for you' was a poem I wrote around two years ago especially for my girlfriend. I've been trying to find the paper I wrote it on at home and haven't found the completed poem yet. I can only remember the final verse really, but I will keep looking as I remember her crying as she read it :)

The last one is taken from a poem I wrote a little while after my previous post on the blog, the second from last is also very recent. I still cry each day and it isn't easier, I cry less perhaps but the hurt is still so great.

Sad dreams

2006-03-12T19:22:00.000Z

I haven't been online for a while, the past six months I have had 'problems' with my girlfriend. Problems that possibly no-one should put up with, but I did because I loved her so much. I really *knew* she was my true love, and it seems at the moment we will split up though I'm so confused. We would have been together for 5 years on the 27th March 2006...

Don't think anyone really reads this blog, but I'm posting a dream I had a few nights ago because I need to remember how much I love her should time dull my memory, though I think it never will. I know I will always love her so much :(

In my dream I'm an old man, maybe 60 or 70 years, and I am bedridden and dying. I never found someone else after my girlfriend left me, living my life a bachelor. My family, knowing how much I loved my girlfriend, tracked her down and asked her to visit me. And she visited me as I lay there and held my hand. When I managed to move my head to look at her, she cried and told me she never stopped being in love with me. And in that second I died as my heart broke, because of all the lost moments we could have shared.

They say time heals all wounds, but I think at this time my heart will never mend. I loved you and will always love you so much, my darling Nicola...

Wayne

Game Series

2005-04-09T11:20:00.000+01:00

I sometimes wish it were possible for games to be produced like a television series, where say an episode is released each week\month. Whilst we have game series now, like Tomb Raider, Splinter Cell or even Halo. Their release dates are far apart due to the volume of work required, no-one is going to buy a series of games where each episode is basically the same as before. When a number is added to a title (eg. Halo2) there is an expectation that the game is going to have improved in many areas. Not only graphically but with more streamlined gameplay better physics etc.

With the interaction provided with games, they could equal or surpass the enjoyment people get from a television series such as 24, Babylon5 or Buffy. But the fact games are based on iteratively improving on previous technology and the amount of work that is required for new assets such as textures, models, sounds etc. Makes such development prohibitive especially when you take into account the fact that most people wouldn't buy it because they've been trained to expect such leaps in quality for sequels.

There is also the issue of characters, because television shows contain real actors the viewer can reach a much better empathy with them when watching than they can a game character. Though I do think games are getting better at such things. Final Fantasy X springs to mind, there is a point in the story where the two main characters are forcing themselves to laugh at the time it looks a bit silly but later on there is a flash-back to various parts of the story including this one. And it does induce some kind of emotion with the characters in the storyline.

However, a game series would need to retain this kind of empathy for each episode in-order to keep players paying week after week (or month after month). The new platforms coming soon also make it more difficult as the volume of content required is going to rise again (and again after that).

For a development house to produce a game series with only short periods between release dates, they would of course have to develop each title in an overlapped fashion. It is certainly possible but not if gamers expect each one to be improved drastically, only if they can become accustomed to enjoying the story more than the technology. In some ways the new platforms will make this easier, the power provided can make at least graphical improvements more subtle and require less work.

Just a thought.
n!

Read the Books!

2005-04-02T10:02:00.000+01:00

At work I usually have a collection of books on my desk for quick reference, the standard C++ programming stuff "Exceptional C++" (http://tinyurl.com/4chom), "Modern C++ Design" (http://tinyurl.com/67kpl, though it is getting on a bit now) and "Design Patterns" (http://tinyurl.com/47w9r) amongst a number of others.

When working at my previous job, I sent a mail to the team I was working with and told them to feel free to read\borrow them, no-one really took up the offer though and most members said they'd never read a book on programming before. I would suggest if you are at all serious about writing C++ well, you read at least some books! It isn't all about writing the code down, it's writing it down well and these books provide information from very experienced developers and I can guarantee you'll find out stuff you don't know or wouldn't think of. Reading them will help you grow as a developer.

n!

Moving On (again)

2005-04-01T22:44:00.000+01:00

Today was my last day working at Blitz Games. Unlike before though, this time I left of my own accord. I simply didn't feel I was being challanged at any of the work I was doing there and feared much longer there would have me bored.

There were also many other issues that all added to my decision. And whilst I'm sad to leave, the company and people were very nice, it just seemed like the best decision for both the company and me. My leaving has been very amicable and I retain friends there still :)

n!

Saving Time

2005-03-18T07:31:00.000Z

It seems many software engineers are in a hurry when they write their code and want it over as quickly as possible. To this end I see many pieces of code with shortened name, presumably because it's quicker to type than the long winded ones. For example a sound manager variable might be named sndManager or a function to or function to retrieve a dynamic vertex buffer might be named GetDynamicVB or some other way of reducing typing type.

Guess what, it isn't a practise I'd recommend. :)

Sure, it might save some typing time to begin with. But it takes longer for someone reading it to parse and expand. Worse, if someone unfamiliar with the codebase comes along they might not understand what your shortened string actually means and then it can take a much longer time to find out than it would have been simply typing the whole thing out in the first place. So I'd actually recommend you name your object "soundManager" and your function "GetDynamicVertexBuffer". Even if it takes longer to write to begin with, it'll save time later on.

I suppose it might seem that this suggestion conflicts with hungarian notation, after all "p" is short for "pointer" and m for "member" aren't they? but you wouldn't want a variable called "member_pointerSoundManager" would you? Well, I actually class hungarian notation as informative rather than a part of the name itself. So "m_pSoundManager" is what I'd recommend if you like your hungarian.

n!

Straight Outta Compton

2005-03-17T15:36:00.000Z

Listening to the Daily Source Code (http://dailysourcecode.com/) yesterday, Adam played a cover version of 'Straight Outta Compton' (originaly by Ice Cube, from NWA). Which I thought was pretty awesome and amusing, mainly because Nina Gordon (
http://www.ninagordon.com/) sings it like a ballad but with all the swearing. Anyway, I'm linking it here because I thought it was good :)

http://www.ninagordon.com/audio/straightouttacompton.mp3

Oh and I should have mentioned that the Dawn And Drew Show I linked to in a previous post contained adult material sorry. Just in case you didn't expect it :)

n!

Keep it local

2005-03-17T15:21:00.000Z

A bit of a rant :)

If an object you're writing contains a collection of objects, do not pass this collection to another object for it to add extra stuff! Make them call your object with the items they want to add otherwise you've just lost control of what goes into this collection.

As an example, I'm currently working with a class that contains a collection of bitmaps. Now I don't want the bitmaps that are already there, but want to have a separate list of my own for other purposes. Originally I thought this was fine, each time someone adds an object to this collection I add it to my collection too. But noo!! The original author thought it was fine to pass their internal collection (in this instance an Win32 ImageList) to an external class so they can do what they want with it. So now I'm unable to maintain my list, a simple (and just as easy to use) fix for this would be to pass our object instead and provide some methods similar too 'AddBitmap' or something.

Though I must admit, the authors of the codebase I'm working on also thought it was cool to have lots of data members public. Which is also a *very* bad idea as you lose any control you had over your state, which is what classes are supposed to do right?

See, writing code is an exercise in restriction. I wrote a powerpoint presentation once and I remember on one of the title slides I wrote something similar to "Prevent developers from doing what they shouldn't do... But not what they *want* to do". Not quite as poetic as I'd like but hey. The point being, when writing code you should be aiming to prevent anything from hapening that shouldn't happen. Of course taking that literally, you can just stop anyone from doing anything.

I think the first time I began realizing this was during Driver1 (a long time ago now), which was my first 3D title and we needed to add a pause feature to the game. But it was incredibly difficult! Pausing a game should, of course, be simple from a development standpoint. You just stop updating the scene. Unfortunately we didn't think of this and parts of the game (like particle systems) actually updated their position within the rendering system.

Now, if the system was structured such that the rendering system wasn't available during update and update (such as delta time) information wasn't available during rendering. It would all have just worked transparently, even without many of the developers realizing it could have been a problem. And I guess this is what I tend to aim for in my code these days. restrictive code that doesn't prevent developers from doing what they want to do, I don't get it right all the time though but that's what keeps me interested :)

n!

The Dawn and Drew Show

2005-02-12T06:47:00.000Z

I've recently started listening to a couple of 'podcasts', at first I started listening to 'The Daily Source Code' by Adam Curry (http://dailysourcecode.com/) because I thought it was going to be about programming (oh, how wrong I was!). I've continued to listen though, mainly because it can be quite interesting.

After listening to that, I thought I'd try another. I first decided to ignore one podcast that was ranked at the 'No.1' spot called 'The Dawn and Drew Show'. It sounded a bit too commercial for my liking and the website didn't make it appear any more interesting. But after seeing so many people recommend it I thought I'd give it a try...

The 'show' is by a man and wife team talking basically about absolutely nothing, and I'm amazed to say it's great! I've never listened to an internet show before that's made me laugh so much :)

http://www.dawnanddrew.com/

n!

DirectX February Update

2005-02-11T07:58:00.000Z

The February update to the DirectX SDK was released yesterday:

http://msdn.microsoft.com/library/default.asp?url=/downloads/list/directx.asp

Which includes a big improvement to the PIX debugging tool for Direct3D and a major revision to the DirectX Standard Annotations and Semantics (DXSAS).

I find it strange that they have dropped support for Windows2000 as a development platform as I know it is still widely used by developers. I know of at least one company that won't allow anything more recent than Win2K to be installed due to the EULA on more recent operating systems.

Still, I can use it at home.

n!

PSP Rocks

2005-02-06T19:33:00.000Z

My fondness for hand-held consoles was delt a serious blow when I purchased a GameBoy-Advance not long after they were initially released in the UK. I found the screen to be unviewable without having to spend 10 minutes rolling it around until it caught the light, then had to stay that way in-order to play anything. Due to this I only played it for a short while then discarded it as a waste of my money. Sure, you could buy a screen-light but the fact it wasn't "usable" out of the box was a huge loss. A big enough loss to me that I wasn't interested when Nintendo released an update with a better screen, nor am I interested in the new Nintendo DS. They have lost a portable consumer forever I'm afraid. I was so disgusted I wasn't interested in *any* handheld machine even the Playstation Portable.

The initial pictures that made the PSP seem like a monster in size also made me ignore it. But I recently got to play on one...

The display is fantastic, the screen quality is what first made me say "Can I have a go?". I couldn't believe how clear and vibrant it was. They seem to have provided so many buttons and sockets. I think I will buy a PSP once they arrive, it's a pity the battery life isn't longer but the quality of the thing can't be denied it rocks! :)

n!

Paying for reviews? Driv3r

2005-02-01T07:51:00.000Z

Last year when Driv3r was released, the results were quite polarised. Some people loved it, some hated it. Now, to be honest, Reflections is relatively used to this. Driver 2 and Stuntman had a similar reception (though, to a lesser extent). What made D3 different was that the good reviews resulted in claims that Atari and\or Reflections *paid* for the good reviews. When these rumours started, Martin Edmondson sent an email around the company categorically denying this fact and I believed and still believe him. I didn't work on D3 for the entire development period, but did for a good two years. So, paying for reviews? I don't think so...

As for the title Driv3r? It wasn't picked at random, it was chosen after reciving feedback from focus groups. Who thought the name was 'cool', ahh bless them :)

n!

Reflections

2005-01-22T07:42:00.000Z

I've already mentioned my new job at Blitz Games as a senior engineer in the core technology team, my previous job (for seven and a half years) was as an engineer at Reflections. Working on titles such as Driver, Driver2, Stuntman and Driv3r. I'll talk more about the games in another post, I started at Reflections as a lowly Junior Programmer many years ago.

I'm only mentioning this, as I heard recently that Martin Edmondson had left the studio in December 2004. I had huge respect for Martin and I was surprised to hear he had left by his own choice. The scariest moment of my career so far, was during my very early days. I was developing the wheel smoke effect for Driver and had Martin sitting next to me the entire time telling me what to change. Well... it's scary for a new junior programmer to have the company owner sitting next to, and watching, him for a day... :) He isn't actually scary, but I was new...

Anyway I wish him the best of luck for the future!

n!

New Job, New home back online soon...

2005-01-10T19:05:00.000Z

Hiya,
Sorry for the lack of updates the past two months has seen me relocating to Leamington Spa, finding a new home, starting a new job and to top it off it was the Christmas season! I've been so busy!

BT\Yahoo are taking *ages* to transfer my broadband connection to my new home though :( I've been promised it'll be connected next Monday (17th January) so now I'm frustrated and excited at the same time. I upgraded to a 1MB connection two days before I moved so didn't get to try it out much as I was busy packing.

My old computer decided to die on me before I could transfer everything to CD so all my contact email addresses have been lost. If you were in contact with me before, I'd appreciate a mail next week so I can get back in touch! Fortunately for each interview I went to I produced a CD containing source code and demo applications for them to peruse to decide how good\bad a software engineer I was. So I actually have a recent copy of my Mantra 3D modeling application, I probably would have died if I lost that!!! About all I lost in my source base was the Microsoft .X file importing code and the logging system I promised to a tester (to hopefully fix some compatibility problems), which I should be able to knock out again pretty quickly.

I've bought a new computer though, a 3.6Ghz Pentium 4 which I am pleased with so far (after replacing the keyboard and mouse). But the lack of broadband access is *killing* me! waaa!! I never realised how dependant I was on my broadband connection. Whilst I have my trusty visual C# and C++ IDE's I can't do any 3D programming at the moment because I can't download the DirectX SDK, can't watch other peoples blogs, can't listen to any podcasts (well, I do at work but it's not the same) can't browse the net. Can't play Half-Life2 as I need to unlock it through steam, can't play Counter-Strike Source or Quake...

Assuming I do get reconnected on Monday, it'll be the fifth week I've been waiting! That's incredibly poor to be honest, granted that includes the Christmas and New Year holidays (Happy New Year everyone!) but taking off a week for those that's still four working weeks to get reconnected! If I didn't wan't to keep my email address and web-page I probably would have told them to forget it and switched to wannado or something. I could probably get connected to a new provider in a shorter time period...

I've been at my new job for a month now and it's going well, I'm currently a senior software engineer in the Tech Team (or R&D) my goals being to help the company produce better games. At the moment I'm helping fix bugs mainly to get me used to the rather large code-base I will be working with. Unfortunately fixing bugs alone doesn't make it the most exciting job at the moment, but once I'm familiar with the code I should get some more interesting tasks.

Only bad at the moment is that they don't use the standard template library (though I shall endeavor to change their minds) or templates very much. Most games teams I've met tend to shy away from templates, though in my experience that's because they've never seen them written well. Believe it or not you *can* have templated code that is easy to maintain, increases your productivity and doesn't make the source code more difficult to follow. Not using them just makes so many things much more difficult, there is a place for them.

Anywhoo, whilst I'm not the most prolific (or interesting) blogger around, all being well next Monday I shall be online once again.

Something new...

2004-11-10T10:17:00.000Z

I'm happy to say I've been offered a few job opportunities now, and I've decided to accept a position at Blitz Games. Rather than a job on the games team (which is what I'm used to) my new position will be a senior engineer on their game engine & supporting tools which is shared across all projects being developed there.

I was shown the engine and tools during my interview and its pretty impressive and all the people there were nice and friendly, so I'm looking forward to starting there. I'm due to start later this month, so I need to relocate to Leamington Spa soon! I've decided I'll be dumping my current home PC to help reduce the amount of stuff I need to take, and buy a new one when I've found a permanent abode! Any excuse to increase my processing power :)

n!

British Telecom and Sort Codes

2004-10-22T15:25:00.000+01:00

So.... I had the most frustrating conversation ever. Someone from British Telecom phoned me up offering to setup a direct-debit for my bill.

The conversation proceeded like this:

"Could I have your bank account number?"
"Yeh, its..."
"Could you repeat that?"
"Sure, ..."
"Could you repeat that?"
"Ok, ..."
"That's not a six digit number."
"Yes it is."
"Can I confirm: It's ..."
"No, its...."
"Oh, is this a bank account number?"
"Yes"
"Can I confirm: It's ..."
"No, it isn't"
"Sorry. Could you repeat it"
"Yes, ...."
"So thats: ..."
"No, it's not."

And that went on for about five minutes. In the end I claimed I didn't know my sort code, she then proceeded to tell me what a sort code was. Then I told her I knew what one was, but didn't have it with me (I did, I just wanted the conversation to stop)..... She said she'll phone again at 5.00, so I'm ignoring the phone for the rest of the day.

Now, I'd just like to say I'm a pretty happy BT customer in general. But I've never had such an irritating conversation with anyone, it could (of course) be my fault, my accent or something but I've never had such trouble before.

I wanted it to stop after a few repeats but couldn't think of a way to terminate it gracefully without being rude (I was tempted to be rude though :)). In the end the 'Sort Code' question was my backdoor outta there. Thank god for sort-codes!!

n!

Denied

2004-10-13T15:17:00.000+01:00

Received my reply today, from my final interview last week, unfortunately it was a no. However, the process was enjoyable and everyone I met on my journey was intelligent, friendly and interesting. I look forward to their games due next year, as the process is over I guess it's ok to tell everyone the developer was Rare (http://www.rareware.com). Though don't ask for any insights as I respect their interview process too much, I would recommend anyone interested to apply. My letter does mention they were "very impressed with your experience and skills", but I can't tell if that was a standard reply or not... :)

I guess I just wasn't what they were looking for, they've said they would be happy to give me feedback on my interview. As it was my first in a long time, I'm looking forward to hearing it. I know I'm not the best person at promoting myself (I'm actually a hard person to please ;)) but it will be interesting to hear from the other side.

So, I still need a job.... I'm actually pretty good, honest!

n!

Code Architecture 101

2004-10-09T18:02:00.000+01:00

When authoring code for an employer it is easy to use the latest "cool thing" you've recently learnt. Or use a language feature because you understand it. I thought I'd post a mail about restraining your programming skills slightly.

You see, whilst you may understand templates, generics, boost::signal or whatever you cannot guarantee that everyone else viewing the code will understand it as completely as you do (or, for that matter, that you understand it as well as you think you do :)).

Templates are a nice C++ example, they're a cool and powerful language feature. Whilst they're a core part of the C++ language, should you use them everywhere? Unfortunately, IMHO of course, I think not. Many people do not understand templates completely and if all those angle brackets pervade the code-base the code can become alien and uncomfortable to other developers. "Tell them to learn templates then!" I hear some people cry. But that, I think, skirts around the issue. Really the call should be "Design the code better, so that people understand it".

You see, it isn't really upto other people to learn a feature they are uncomfortable with just so you can code the way you want to. If you are designing a sub-system for other people to use, it is *your* job to write it in such a way that those people can use it with the minimum of effort. I'm not saying, of course, that you should avoid templates. I'm saying you need to think about what you're doing and how it will be perceived by the users. For the most part many people are happy to use unfamiliar language constructs as long as they are simple. Just think about what you're making people do and if you could make it easier for them to do it.

I'm also not saying you should avoid boost::signal or whatever, merely think about how much knowledge you're expecting clients to have about such things. If your usage of boost::signal is entirely internal then it doesn't really matter... Or does it? :)

I don't think I'm saying entirely what I want to say, I could go on for days about my thoughts on such things. Just wanted to post something a little more relevant to my blog title than "My job search" :)

n!

Presenting

2004-10-09T09:56:00.000+01:00

I love talking code, whether its helping another team member with some problem or design issue or just general chat. Around 10\11 months ago I wrote a powerpoint presentation and gave it to a few other co-workers explaining a sub-system I'd written and how it works. I'm not the worlds greatest public speaker and it was the first time I'd ever done such a thing, but I was reasonably pleased with it. I think powerpoint is a wonderful way of distilling information, if you can overcome the fear of being the focus of attention within a room.

I would like to do it again someday, but I have a way to go before I do :)

Anyway, I just noticed a blog entry on getting into presenting:

http://www.misbehaving.net/2004/08/how_to_get_out_.html

Which may be of use to someone else interested in such things.

n!

Halo....2

2004-10-06T14:33:00.000+01:00

Ok, the time is nigh. In just over a months time Halo-2 is due to arrive and all will be well with the world. My excitement for this release reached a high on Monday and I was forced to travel to the local game emporium and purchase a copy of Halo for the PC. I already own Halo for the Xbox, of course, which is why I never bought the PC version before. Now I can play Halo online and I'm surprised how good it is I wasn't expecting much from Halo online. Though, the network code seems a little dodgy :)

I thought the original was... good. Not excellent, some of the levels became a bit repetitive. Such as that guilty spark level, where you follow the little electronic ball and he makes you wait about 500 times until you destroy 500 groups of enemies. Please don't have that in Halo2!! But overall it was polished and fun for the majority and promises so much for the sequel.

I just hope I have a job by next month, so I can afford to buy Halo-2 (eek)....
Hurry up November, hurry up November...

n!

Final Interview

2004-10-06T14:07:00.000+01:00

Well, I had my final interview for this position yesterday. Was very nervous but I think I did reasonably well. I think I forgot to mention a few things I wanted to say, but the interviewers were very nice and friendly. They certainly seemed like people I'd enjoy working with. I left them with a CD of source-code I wrote at home for them to peruse, now it's the wait until I hear back which should be this week. Nervous? Me? Well... yes, to be honest :)

n!

Passed

2004-09-24T13:22:00.000+01:00

I just received an email informing me I passed the technical test and my video interview has made the short-list for the company I took the test for. This is pretty exciting, the company is probably my favorite games developer (it seems like I've been waiting impatiently for their current in-development titles for ages). Now I have to wait and see if I get invited for a final interview.

n!

Math

2004-09-22T20:14:00.000+01:00

Wow, I just had a technical test today and I'm surprised at how rusty my math skills are without a calculator or computer. I think I answered enough correctly to pass (shall find out soon), but my math skills have lost a lot without a computing aid.

I shall be reviewing my pencil\paper math skills over the following week, I should note I'm not *bad* mathematically. I can throw vectors and matrices around pretty well, but without a computer I need some work...

At least I saw a flaw in my skills today :)

n!

Interviews

2004-09-20T10:07:00.000+01:00

So, after a number of weeks of looking. I'm now at the stage where I have two possible leads towards a job. Both are exciting.

I had a telephone interview for a (very famous) UK studio last week and thought I'd messed it up as I was very nervous (it was my first ever telephone interview). But they got in touch with me about 30 minutes after and said they would like me to progress to the next stage. I have a technical test this Wednesday and, if I pass that, a video'd interview. Assuming I pass both of those, I'll be invited to the studio for a proper interview.

I also received an email and follow-up phone call from Electronic Arts Canada (http://www.eacanada.com) asking if I'd be interested in working over there. I hadn't thought about working outside the UK before but they gave me a week to think about it. After pondering for a while and asking some questions, I'm also following that up. EA Canada has fantastic facilities and seem to really care about their employees.

My current worry is that both (or, worse, neither) of these companies offer me a job. That would be a difficult decision as both are truly exciting developers to work for.

n!

Redundancy

2004-09-11T06:51:00.000+01:00

Arg, been a while since I last posted sorry. There have been a few issues at work recently that has had me distracted. In fact, I have recently been made redundant :(

So, after seven and a half years at the same company I'm now looking for somewhere else. People keep asking me if I want to remain in the games development business and I keep replying 'Of course I do!' :) Games development has been my passion for so many years and it still hasn't subsided (and, TBH, I don't think I'd ever want to do anything else other than games development). Sure you get tough times but there's so much energy you can't help but enjoy it.

I've worked on three published titles from start to finish during my previous employment, as well as helping out with two others. Not to mention some games I wrote before my employment. I'm sad to leave, but I don't blame the company. The publisher that owns the studio decided to cancel the project I was working on, which left them with too many employees.

But it's also exciting, a new employer means a whole new environment and new games to develop. I can't wait, though I'm sure I'll be nervous at any interviews :)

n!

Documentation

2004-06-29T03:31:00.000+01:00

I've been working on the documentation for my 3D modeling applications Plug-In SDK. It's a hard slog, but it feels like its worth it. I'm currently using ndoc but I'm now beginning to feel it isn't quite what I'm after. I really want to add extra information to the generated documentation such as tutorials and explanations outside the context of the API documentation but within the help file. I'm also not so sure I like the generated format, I'd like the interfaces, enumerations, classes etc. to be placed inside their own sub-topics or at least have the option. Maybe I'm just missing something in the ndoc configuration.

I started looking for other documentation generators, and got particularly interested in Document! X which seems to do just what I want. Though the end-price seems a bit too expensive for me at the moment. After all, this is currently only a hobby project. Though it'd be nice if it grew into something more.

I'm going to look at Robohelp next though, looking at the feature list, it doesn't mention importing of C# XML comment files which means I'll probably rule it out.... I'm not writing all my documentation *again*! :) Strangely, despite the built in XML generation I haven't found many help editors that actually import it (only Document! X and ndoc thus far).

FWIW here's a link to my current Mantra SDK Documentation. Comments on structure or any tips in general would be well received.

Well I'm off to continue some evaluations.... :)

n!

Collapse Region In VS.NET

2004-06-09T09:33:00.000+01:00

Whilst developing inside visual studio.NET, a useful feature that helps improve readability of the code are the region that you can define with the #region/#endregion pair. After months of having to click on the little '+' symbols to expand and collapse these regions. I decided there *must* be a shortcut to perform this operation so I checked the documentation.

Sure enough, you can collapse\expand a code block by pressing CTRL+M twice which toggles the collapsed\expanded state of the current line. So you just need to place the cursor at the correct location and press CTRL+M twice.

I thought it was useful, anyway... :)

n!

Avalon 3D

2004-06-04T10:44:00.000+01:00

Another blog entry I've just read First Avalon 3D Demo shows a 3D example using Avalon, an API inside Longhorn. It's the first time I've heard reference to a Xaml 3D model format. Certainly, if it supports such a thing I would like my own 3D modeling application Mantra to support it for export. Though my new, managed version is very early in development (only a week old!) so there's not much point in me adding support now and besides, I don't have access to Longhorn yet ;(

n!

Hungarian Notation

2004-06-04T10:22:00.000+01:00

I've just read Die, Hungarian notation... Just *die*. and I must say I agree, almost. It depends on which language we're talking about, I have used (and still use today) hungarian notation in my [unmanaged] C++ code. Though I have reduced the extent I use it over the course of the past two years, I *want* a 'p' in front of my pointers.

However, in the new managed world (and C# in my case) I generally follow Microsoft's Design Guidelines for Class Library Developers pretty much to the letter. When I first came to C# I did try using hungarian notation, I was particularly loathe to drop a member prefix, I started with 'm_' the tried '_' before discarding them completely.

Reading the post, it's pretty obvious it's about managed code and in that world, I agree. Hungarian notation should simply die never to rise again, however in an unmanaged language (specifically C++) hungarian is *still* useful, IMHO anyway :)

n!

Nullable Types

2004-06-02T17:15:00.000+01:00

Eric Gunnerson recently mentioned nullable types that will appear in the next version of the .NET framework. The gritty details can be found in the C# 2.0 Specification.

Unfortunately I don't have access to the community preview at this time (maybe one day!), whilst I am eagerly anticipating generics and anonymous methods I'm not sure what to make of nullable types. I think my first thought on reading the description was 'huh?'.

They just seem to be solving a problem that doesn't exist, well... ok, that I've never had. Maybe it's my natural dislike of '?' as a language construct. Ok, its useful now and then. But nullable types seem to be promoting it, and even introducing '??' I'm holding back the screams....

n!

No Content?

2004-06-02T16:08:00.000+01:00

Well, here I actually have a blog. And I'm in the uncomfortable position of trying to think of something to write....

Not that I don't have anything to say, mind! The problem is I have so much to say and every-time I try to write down a paragraph or two on a subject I'm passionate about, an essay seems to pour from my finger-tips. Of course, this takes up lots of time and ends up being kinda boring to read. Maybe as an article it would be fun, but a blog entry?

So I sit here, being uncomfortable and try to think of something to write. No doubt it'll have something to-do with software development. But I'll try and keep the essays short and to the point.

Thanks,
n!